


Recovered But Changed

by circlenowsquared (csquared225)



Series: Codas to Agents of SHIELD [11]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, TW: Suicide, but mostly - Freeform, see end notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-09 01:06:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/csquared225/pseuds/circlenowsquared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint’s so relieved to have Phil back. But he’s...different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recovered But Changed

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking about Coulson now is changed for me. I shouldn’t see him different but he sees himself different and all I can see is his brain getting poked at and ;^; Poor baaaaby. He’s Phil enough for me he has to be. And for Clint baby too.  
> Shit I didn’t get this one in on time either.

He woke up every night screaming, begging for Clint to let him die. A couple of times, Clint wanted to let him. He loved Phil more than life itself, but they both knew now that he had wanted to die, and wasn’t it much kinder to let him now? He would do almost anything to end his partner’s pain--but not that. Anything but that.

 

If he’d been there while Phil was in surgery, screaming for death, he didn’t think he would have had the will to go down there and stop them from poking around in him, and it shamed him.

 

He told Coulson as much the third night at three in the morning when they laid panting and sweaty from struggling together from night terrors, from screaming.

 

“I’m so sorry, Phil, I can’t do it, I love you too much and even though it’s hurt you, I’m too weak, I need you here with me. I fell apart when I thought you were dead.”

 

Phil didn’t answer, but he usually didn’t. Clint already felt like he was talking to a ghost.

 

So he was surprised when, five minutes later, the familiar but now hoarse baritone of the man he loved came out.

 

“Why do you want me now? I’m not an LMD, but...I’m not really human anymore, either.”

 

“Phil, no, didn’t you hear what I just said?” He murmured, kissing his forehead gently. “I couldn’t let you go, no matter how you’d changed. And you didn’t, not really--”

 

“I’m Frankenstein’s monster, Clint,” Phil insisted, eyes tearing up. “I’m--”

 

“You’re still the same guy that I yelled at last week,” Clint said desperately, expression distraught. “They didn’t change you, the only thing that changed you was how you thought, how you looked at yourself. You know more now, sure, but the way you feel about me is the same, the way you look at me, I can tell.”

  
  


“I love you, Phil,” his archer whispered, forehead pressed against his. “That’s never going to change, remember? LMD, alien or whatever. You’re you enough for me. Don’t ever forget that, please. Never, ever forget that, they didn’t take that away from you, do they? That was their mistake.”

 

“Clint,” his name was more of a broken sob than a word, and Clint gently took Phil into his arms, wrapping him in the warm, safe haven that he could provide only now. He knew there were things out there that could hurt his Phil, people who could rip him apart. But for right now, he was able to protect him from all that, if only for a moment.

 

It was all he could do.

 

They sat there for what felt like hours but in reality was only thirty minutes. Phil cried the entire time, silently and sometimes with the occasional whimper or two. Clint’s tears were silent, as he wept for what had been done to him and what might happen. How unfair it all was, that injustice had happened to his rock, his handler and lover, the one he loved the most in the entire world. It should have been Clint, it was always Clint, never Phil.

 

“We’ll get through this, Phil,” he promised as he tucked his worn out partner into bed, barely awake himself. They curled up together under the covers, holding each other now, not just one-sided.

 

“Together,” Phil agreed hoarsely, eyes fluttering shut.

 

They slept.

 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for suicide for Phil begging for death.


End file.
